Confessions of an Ex-Girlfriend
by TerribleWaitress
Summary: A look into Penny's thoughts, pre- and post- 3x19 break-up.
1. The Neutral Zone Violation Explanation

**A/N - So I was watching the Love Car Displacement and because 2am is a good time for my brain to work, I was thinking about why Penny seemed to angry and eager to leave at the end of the episode, and this was what I came up with as an explanation. Probably fairly obvious but I thought I'd explore it anyway! Enjoy, drop me a review to let me know what you think, it will make my day!**

* * *

As Penny thanked... what was his name? Bernadette had told her. She couldn't remember his name, because the look on Leonard's face when Bernadette had 'introduced' them was blocking the memory. Whoever he was, she thanked him, and she felt a weight lift off her shoulders. She just wanted to be in her apartment, by herself, without anybody talking to her or asking her what she was doing at that event.

She rushed up the stairs, and unlocked her door quickly, chucking her luggage to the floor before locking the door. She walked to the kitchen with purpose, and grabbed the wine bottle sitting on top of her fridge, pouring a generous amount into a large glass. Satisfied with the wine, she walked quickly into her bedroom, slamming the door, before sitting down on her bed and downing half the glass in one go.

It had all been fine. She was just going to share a room with Amy, but somehow the guys had managed to make a mess of _everything_, and she'd ended up asking Leonard if she could share his bed. She was insistent on just sleeping, nothing else. Leonard made a joke about doing a lot from the waist up, and her head was whirring with ideas of what they could do, but she didn't let that on. Sheldon asked if they were going to have coitus. Again, Leonard make a joke, but she stuck with her 'no'. Going down that road was too scary, the consequences were uncertain and she hadn't gotten to a place yet where she felt comfortable risking it.

Then Sheldon left, and Leonard went to sleep in his bed instead. She loved how warm the covers were from where Leonard had been lying. His scent still lingered on the sheets, it surrounded her, and it was comforting. Neither of them could sleep, and knowing he was just in the bed next to hers was beginning to drive her insane.

So she'd given in. And the moment his lips touched hers, as he quickly jumped in bed with her, she couldn't help but smile. It felt so good.

Then Raj had interrupted them. Of course they would get interrupted.

And it left her open, and she hated it. She had spent so much time pretending she was okay with all of this, with not being Leonard's girlfriend anymore. In just a few seconds, it went from 'maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing' to being the best thing, to being the _absolute_ worst thing. Because now, Leonard knew that she still wanted him, that it was easier to get the truth out of her than he thought.

She was angry because she wanted Leonard to kiss her, hold her, have her. She was angry because Raj had made that impossible. She was angry because now, Leonard knew what she wanted; her feelings were on the table, clear and easy to see. She was angry with herself because this was all her fault in the first place. And she just didn't know how to deal with that.


	2. The 'Moving On' Hindrance

**A/N - Thank you to zhalen565 for suggesting this! This is for 4x16 'The Cohabitation Formulation' when Penny meets Priya. If you have any other moments you'd like to see written, let me know :) Enjoy (can you even enjoy 484 words on Priya?) and let me know what you think :) **

* * *

"Who can't go out with Leonard?"

"My sister!"

"Penny, this is Raj's sister Priya."

A thousand guns fired at Penny's heart as Leonard introduced her to Priya... the woman he was going out with. She hadn't even tried dating properly again, and he was going out with somebody else already? Was this some kind of cruel payback for her being with Zack for New Years? Is that why he was doing it?

And did they really have to come to the Cheesecake Factory and flaunt Leonard's new relationship right under her nose? Now she was going to have to serve them, and she knew she wouldn't be able to keep herself distracted; as much as she hated it, she knew she would be obsessing over this new woman of Leonard's all night. And then when she got home, she'd be drinking, trying to stop herself from obsessing over Leonard.

"It's very nice to meet you."

"Oh, yeah, you too." The words staggered out of her mouth as she tried to smile.

"Priya, if you're experiencing an intention or awkwardness it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to - if I may quote Howard - do the dance with no pants."

"Sheldon!" Not only was this _definitely _awkward, but Sheldon using that phrase was way worse than his usual choice of word, 'coitus'. Yes, there had been pants-less dancing, but that wasn't the point.

"Really?" Leonard said in disbelief. She couldn't tell if he had been wanting to avoid bringing up that his ex-girlfriend also happened to be his neighbor and worked at the restaurant, or just disapproved of the way Sheldon had said it.

But two things were clear to Penny: obviously he was way further along in the 'getting over it' stage than she was, and she wasn't as far along in that process as she had tried to convince herself she was.

Penny had thought that eventually, she would get back with Leonard again. Maybe not _soon_, but eventually, even though she didn't dare bring that up. She had hoped he would ask her out again, though now she thought about it, maybe she should have asked _him, _and apologized for crushing his heart just like she had her own. Now he had someone to mend it for him, and she was going to have to watch him be happy, when she was far from it.

Raj's voice brought her out of her thoughts. "Penny, you became disenchanted with Leonard as a lover, would you please tell my sister why?"

_I didn't become disenchanted with him, _Penny wanted to say. _I was just stupid._

And while most of her was praying that Leonard and Priya wouldn't last - maybe Raj's objection to the relationship would be helpful in this - a part of her hoped that, for Leonard's sake, Priya wouldn't be as stupid as she had been.


	3. The 'You' Analysis

**A/N - I've actually had this written for a few weeks, but I forgot about it until now. So here it is, 4x11, the "and you-" "what about me" bit. I love looking into and exploring these moments on the show :) Thanks for the reviews so far, as always, keep them coming! **

* * *

"And you-"

"What about me?"

Penny froze for a moment, a million answers running through her head.

_You. I did this all for you. _

_I got back together with Zack, because I didn't want to be alone on New Years, and maybe he could take my mind off you. _

_I said I would go to this costume party, because of you. Because I know how much you love costume parties and getting to dress up like a superhero. Because you are my superhero. Because I know how much you want to win the contest._

_I don't want to wear the wig just because everyone else says I should. I want to wear it for you, because Wonder Woman isn't just some blonde. I want to put on a cheap wig for you because I know you'll appreciate the effort and I know it's going to make you smile._

_I want you to have the best New Year celebration possible. I want you to be happy, to have a happy year, and be happy, even if it means being happy without me in the picture._

_I want you to be the one who kisses me at midnight. _

_Can't you see I'm doing all of this for you?_

But none of that came out of her mouth; instead, all she got out was "Nothing."

"Let's go to the party." She stood up and put the wig on, throwing a pose. "How do I look?"

"I guarantee you'll be the prettiest girl there."

_You still make my heart skip a beat when you call me pretty. You still make me melt when you smile. You still have a way of putting a smile on my face when I'm down. You still know what to say to make me feel better. _

_You, Leonard._

_It's always been you._


	4. The Midnight Kiss Observation

**A/N - This is like, the second part to the previous chapter. Apologies if there are any mistakes, getting straight back into spin, yoga and riding lessons has tired me out big time! I don't think my legs want to co-operate and the sun has hidden away again so I thought I'd do an update :) Another sad one, (sorry!) - let me know what you think! **

* * *

Of the many mistakes Penny had made in her life, this was the worst.

Letting Zack kiss her at midnight, and worst of all, letting Leonard see.

She didn't want Zack to kiss her, but she let him, because it was just what people did when it struck midnight on New Year. It was... _right_, to kiss him, technically. But to her, it was wrong, all wrong.

Those weren't the lips she wanted on hers. They didn't know how to work with hers, they didn't make her respond to the kiss. They didn't find that spot on her neck that got her going. Those weren't the hands that she wanted to be holding her. They weren't holding her right, they didn't know how to draw patterns on her arm the way she liked, and they didn't feel like they would hold onto her forever. Those weren't the eyes she wanted on her, like that. They didn't look at her with love, care, or happiness. They didn't look at her how Leonard used to look at her.

That wasn't how she wanted to make Leonard feel.

His face broke her. He looked so upset, so hurt, so... broken. Broken, broken, broken. And it was her fault for doing this; she had gone to the party with the guys, with Zack, and Leonard had to spend what should have been a fun party with his friends watching her with... _Zack, _of all people. The way he looked at her, standing all alone, with nobody to kiss him on New Years, or hold his hand, or promise him an amazing year, broke her into millions of pieces. He looked so cute in his costume, and the happiness of winning the contest had been wiped off his face so quickly and completely. How could she do that to him? How did she keep hurting him like this, when it was the last thing she wanted to do? When she promised herself that she would never hurt him, like she had done when they had broken up, and yet she had done it to him again. She was ready to fall apart, right there, but she couldn't do that in front of everybody.

So she tried to smile, and hold her tongue, and ignore the lump in her throat.

Her heart was begging her to go over to him, to kiss him, to beg him for forgiveness and another chance. To promise him that she didn't want to hurt him, ever. To say sorry for being so selfish that she needed somebody with her on New Years because she just felt so alone and so empty without him.

But she didn't. Instead she added 'New Year with Zack' to her list of mistakes. The way Leonard had looked at her was never going to leave her, and she wished she had more guts, more sense in her to just talk to Leonard about how she felt.

_Sorry for kissing Zack instead of you._

_Sorry that you had to see that._

_Sorry for letting him. _

_Sorry I didn't tell you the truth about how I felt. _

_Sorry you weren't the one who got to buy me this costume._

_Sorry for not saying I love you._

Penny sighed, turning her head away from Leonard before she really did fall apart. She wished Leonard knew how easy it was to get her back, but more than that, she wished she knew how to fix her own mistakes, and tell him that all she wanted was _him_.


	5. The All Cried Out Divergence

**A/N - Based on the episode I watched the other day (there was a general consensus to not watch The Wheaton Recurrence, me and my friends are a bunch of saps) - I thought I'd explore the little conversation she had with Sheldon - we find out how Leonard coped right after the break up but not really much about Penny until later on. So here's this! I seem to be giving Penny a harsh time... let me know what you think :) **

* * *

_"I'm also pleased to report that he is all cried out over you."_

_"He's been crying?"_

_"Oh, I believe that's something else I wasn't supposed to mention."_

_"Oh God, I feel terrible." _

Once Sheldon had left, Penny found herself reflecting obsessively over what he had told her over dinner, much like she had after what he had revealed earlier about how Leonard was doing. There was no denying that Leonard's habit of overthinking everything had rubbed off on her.

She was relieved that Leonard, too, had been crying. Although she knew that he was sensitive, she needed to know that she wasn't the only one who wasn't crying over their broken relationship. Perhaps it was selfish, but knowing he had cried too brought her some comfort. She just wished she could be crying _with_ him, not _over _him.

But he was all cried out over her, according to Sheldon.

The problem was, that she _wasn't _all cried out over Leonard. She knew, without doubt - there was no point in hiding it from herself, that she would spend the evening in bed, crying as she held on to the pillow from Leonard's side of her bed. While she had tried to convince herself, every night, that it was stupid, that crying was weak and stupid and pointless, it never worked. Her heart refused to keep its guard all day; alone, lying in the bed she had so often shared with Leonard, the very same place he had told her that he loved her, there was no way of stopping her emotions from pouring out.

Dragging herself into the bathroom, Penny looked at herself in the mirror. At what point in her life had she become this girl who spend her nights crying over her ex, but hiding it from everybody else because it was too upsetting?

And more importantly, when did she become the kind of girl to make a guy cry, _really _cry, over... her? That's why she felt terrible. She was the reason Leonard was upset, she was the source of his tears, she was the reason he was heartbroken. Crying over a failed actress, working as a waitress - and not even a good one, who had little money, no degree, and very little understanding of science, or video games, or comic books, or anything he really liked. Despite all of that, and all the other things she was too ashamed to list, he had been crying over _her_. He loved her even though she was _just _a waitress with no college education and a far-off acting dream. And he was perfect; he was smart, handsome, funny, caring, understanding, supportive... _what the hell is my problem? _Penny felt her body convulse, and realized she was crying into the sink. _What the hell kind of stupid idiot runs away from a perfect guy like Leonard, just because he loves her? _She looked back at the mirror, glaring at her reflecting. _You. Me. I do._

With a heavy heart, she splashed water over her face, before changing out of her clothes and into the t-shirt Leonard had left behind. She crawled into bed, instantly reaching for the pillow he had slept on and clutching it like a lifeline as the inevitable tears began to fall. She stared at the small red pouch on her nightstand, which contained the snowflake he had given her, whilst she ran the scenario of him telling her he loved her through her mind. Only now, she imagined it ending differently - in her mind, she said 'I love you too' instead of 'thank you'. Imaginary Penny was crying tears of happiness. She let a small smile flit across her face as she imagined her own tears were the happy ones in her mind, and drifted off to sleep with this fake, but happy ending, playing in her mind.


	6. The Generic Cat Costume Anxiety

**A/N - Okay, going way back to 1x6... I can't remember what inspired this idea but I thought I'd write it anyway. Just one of those little things to explore before they first started dating, that Penny wouldn't tell Leonard about. I know this is a collection of things _after _they break up, but I thought it would fit in here, kind of. :)**

* * *

Looking at herself in the mirror, Penny ran her hands down her body, smoothing down the cat costume she was wearing for what must have been the tenth time by now. She didn't know why she was so nervous about wearing it, she'd worn it before with great success. It was her favorite costume - well, her only costume - but she loved it.

She loved the attention she got from guys when she wore this costume. When she wore it out to a local clubs costume party she hadn't had to pay for any of her own drinks. There were people with better costumes, but who was going to turn down a cat costume that consisted of very little costume anyway? A cropped top and a skirt so short her mom would've grounded her for a month, had she seen it. The cat ears were cute, no, they were absolutely adorable.

So why was she so nervous? The costume felt too much all of a sudden. She still looked good in it, she thought, just like she had the previous times she'd worn it. But what if it was showing off too much of her body? It was just a little Halloween party at her apartment, she had bought drink and people were bringing their own. It wasn't like she needed her outfit to be good enough for a guy to want to buy her a drink. Everybody who was invited, she already knew, so there was nobody to impress. Well, she'd invited Kurt, but the costume wasn't for him. Last time she'd worn it he hadn't said a nice word about it, in fact he'd accused her of dressing 'like an eighteen year old slut who can't pay for her own drinks yet' - then she reminded him that actually, she was twenty-one and _could _pay for her own drinks if she wanted to. It wasn't a good argument, in retrospect. But maybe he'd see her differently now, maybe he'd see her as the grown-up she was now. She had her own apartment, for crying out loud! She was throwing a party in her own apartment. To her, that made her a grown-up. That's what they did, right? Her mom threw parties, and had a job. Just because she was much younger, didn't make her less of a grown-up, did it? That's what she told herself anyway, to convince herself.

Hearing voices in her living room, Penny blinked at herself in the mirror as her heart fluttered in a way she couldn't explain or understand. Leonard was saying something to the guys. She couldn't make out what he was saying, but it was his voice, definitely. She found herself smiling, although she wasn't sure _why _she was smiling. Shaking her head, she stepped away from the mirror to go talk to the guys and set out the final bits for the party before people started arriving.

Stopping at her bedroom door, she sighed. Why was she so nervous about this? It was just the guys. Creepy Wolowitz wearing tights, Raj who couldn't speak to her, Sheldon and his persistence on a costume competition, and Leonard. Leonard, who had a crush on her he'd never admit to, but she could tell by the way he'd quickly look away from her or give her an awkward smile or give her a compliment wrapped in a ramble to try cover it up. It was adorable, _he _was adorable. Okay, maybe she had a _little _crush on him too. Only she wasn't sure because he wasn't the kind of guy she would usually go for. But he was so kind, caring, and _smart _in a way no other guy she had met was. He always showed her cool little things, such as when he picked the olive up in the glass without even touching it. He was smart, but he didn't rub it in her face like Sheldon would, he didn't make her feel stupid. His glasses were really cute too, and his hair was amazing. It was weird, liking qualities about a guy that weren't entirely physical.

All of a sudden she began to panic slightly. What if Leonard didn't like her costume? She wasn't wearing it for him, but what if he thought that same as Kurt, that it was too slutty, made her look too young? He'd worn a costume from a film. She could always say she was Cat Woman... no, the guys would know it's not a Cat Woman costume. Maybe she should have worn something else. Howard would probably like it... that made her shudder. She wanted to change, but she didn't have another costume.

Why was this such a big deal? It was just a costume. It didn't matter whether Leonard liked it or not, she could wear what she wanted. If he _did _like it, then that was great, she wasn't going to deny that it would be the best part of the party if he told her he liked her costume. _Ugh, I sound like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl. _Penny shook her head. If he didn't like it, then fine, he didn't have to, it was her costume after all.

Sighing angrily at herself and telling herself to stop thinking about it too much, in an attempt to convince herself she _didn't _care, she placed a hand on the door handle. She loved this costume, and that's all that mattered. They were just here because they got to wear a costume, they didn't care about the actual party or what _she _wore. Opening the door, she stepped out to find them sitting on her couch.

"Hey," Penny grinned at them as she stepped out, making her way over to the kitchen.

"That is not a costume." Sheldon said bluntly.

Raj whispered something in Howard's ear, who smirked. "That's exactly what I thought."

Penny shot the two a glare before turning to her fridge to take out the jello shots she'd prepared earlier. She tried not to think about the fact that Leonard hadn't even said anything. When she put the tray with the shots down on the counter, he was standing there too, fidgeting with the sleeve of his costume.

"Do you need any help?"

_You're not going to say anything about my costume? _"Uh, okay, sure. There's some bowls over there and a few packets of chips you could set out."

"Cool. Do you want a certain color bowl for a certain flavor, or-"

Penny couldn't help but giggle. "No, just any chips in any bowl is fine, Leonard."

"Okay. Sorry. Sheldon makes us co-ordinate the bowl color to the main color on the chip packet." Leonard walked around to the same side of the counter she was at, placing the chips and bowls in front of him. He turned to look at her, and she turned her head to him too, and he quickly gave her that shy smile. "You look really cute, by the way." His eyes widened slightly, and she could have sworn her heart skipped a beat. "I mean, your costume. Your costume is really cute. You know, cats are cute, and your costume is cute."

Penny grinned and wondered if she was blushing. "Thank you, Leonard." Okay, so maybe she did care what he thought. She would definitely enjoy the party now.


End file.
